1
00:00:01,031 --> 00:00:02,946
♪♪

2
00:00:35,563 --> 00:00:37,521
♪ We tripped along [ PHONE RINGS ]

3
00:00:37,565 --> 00:00:42,396
♪ And skipped on the sidewalks
of New York ♪

4
00:00:42,439 --> 00:00:43,832
Hello?

5
00:00:43,876 --> 00:00:46,226
Why are you sending him home?

6
00:00:46,269 --> 00:00:48,750
Does Ellen have
a temperature?

7
00:00:48,794 --> 00:00:50,360
Oh, that's not much.

8
00:00:50,404 --> 00:00:52,188
Hi, Mom!

9
00:00:52,232 --> 00:00:54,582
Ritchie just came in.

10
00:00:54,625 --> 00:00:56,758
Oh, come on, Dot.
You know me better
than that.

11
00:00:56,802 --> 00:00:58,194
If Ritchie comes down
with anything,

12
00:00:58,238 --> 00:00:59,935
I'll blame a virus,
not Ellen.

13
00:00:59,979 --> 00:01:01,981
Listen, call me if
you need anything.

14
00:01:02,024 --> 00:01:04,331
Not at all. Bye, Dot.

15
00:01:04,374 --> 00:01:06,463
Ellen's got a disease.

16
00:01:06,507 --> 00:01:09,031
Ellen's got a temperature.
I wouldn't call it
a disease.

17
00:01:09,075 --> 00:01:11,817
Whatever she gots,
I hope I get it, too.

18
00:01:11,860 --> 00:01:15,777
Why, Rich?So I don't have to go
to school tomorrow.

19
00:01:15,821 --> 00:01:17,257
But I thought
you loved school.

20
00:01:17,300 --> 00:01:18,824
They're not teaching
good things.

21
00:01:18,867 --> 00:01:20,826
They're teaching
stupid things,

22
00:01:20,869 --> 00:01:23,785
like the alphabet.

23
00:01:23,829 --> 00:01:26,788
The alphabet
is not stupid.
You have to know it

24
00:01:26,832 --> 00:01:29,617
if you want to write
television shows
like Daddy does.

25
00:01:29,660 --> 00:01:33,621
I know it!
I can say it faster
than anybody.

26
00:01:33,664 --> 00:01:35,188
Want to hear it?

27
00:01:35,231 --> 00:01:37,625
E-f-g-h-i-j-k-
l-m-n-o-p--

28
00:01:37,668 --> 00:01:40,019
n-o-p-q-r-s-t-u-v-w!

29
00:01:40,062 --> 00:01:42,935
What happened to x-y-z?

30
00:01:42,978 --> 00:01:45,938
I know 'em.
I just got tired.

31
00:01:45,981 --> 00:01:47,983
Then how about a glass
of milk and a cupcake

32
00:01:48,027 --> 00:01:49,289
to recharge
your battery?

33
00:01:49,332 --> 00:01:51,030
I don't want any.

34
00:01:51,073 --> 00:01:52,901
No cupcake?

35
00:01:52,945 --> 00:01:54,903
Did you eat anything
next door?

36
00:01:54,947 --> 00:01:56,600
Just water I ate.

37
00:01:56,644 --> 00:01:58,472
Just water?
Come here.

38
00:01:58,515 --> 00:02:00,953
You should
feel hungry.

39
00:02:03,346 --> 00:02:06,045
Do I feel hungry, Mommy?

40
00:02:08,308 --> 00:02:11,050
I think we'll have
Dr. Miller take
a look at you.

41
00:02:11,093 --> 00:02:13,443
No, Mommy!
I'll eat my cupcake!

42
00:02:13,487 --> 00:02:15,837
I don't want Dr. Miller
to take a look at me!

43
00:02:15,881 --> 00:02:18,231
I won't let him!
I'll lock myself
in the closet!

44
00:02:18,274 --> 00:02:20,233
[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

45
00:02:22,757 --> 00:02:25,412
Ritchie, I thought
you liked Dr. Miller.

46
00:02:25,455 --> 00:02:28,894
Oh, yeah! I forgot.

47
00:02:36,684 --> 00:02:39,905
"You'll have to bake
the whole pear."

48
00:02:39,948 --> 00:02:41,863
There.

49
00:02:41,907 --> 00:02:43,909
All right, now, where are we
in the script?

50
00:02:43,952 --> 00:02:45,911
I was just coming
out of the last
commercial,

51
00:02:45,954 --> 00:02:48,087
into the
"good night" bit.
Let's see.

52
00:02:48,130 --> 00:02:50,480
Supposing our star says,

53
00:02:50,524 --> 00:02:52,918
"Good night, folks.
Sure hope you enjoyed our show.

54
00:02:52,961 --> 00:02:55,877
"And remember--
the Alan Brady
thought for the day is...

55
00:02:55,921 --> 00:02:58,706
Drive carefully,
especially on the sidewalks."

56
00:02:58,749 --> 00:03:00,795
No, no.

57
00:03:00,839 --> 00:03:02,884
Wait a minute.
Maybe he says something
philosophical,

58
00:03:02,928 --> 00:03:05,669
like, "folks, remember--
save your money.

59
00:03:05,713 --> 00:03:07,584
Someday it may be
worth something."

60
00:03:09,804 --> 00:03:11,719
[ LAUGHING ]
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.

61
00:03:11,762 --> 00:03:13,895
No, no.No, no, no.

62
00:03:13,939 --> 00:03:15,941
No, no, no?
It's a good joke.

63
00:03:15,984 --> 00:03:17,681
I don't think
it's a good joke.

64
00:03:17,725 --> 00:03:18,944
What do you think,
Sally?

65
00:03:18,987 --> 00:03:20,684
I think it's
a great joke.

66
00:03:20,728 --> 00:03:22,382
Why do you think
it's a great joke?

67
00:03:22,425 --> 00:03:25,385
Because it's 5:30,
and I got a date at 7:00.

68
00:03:25,428 --> 00:03:28,736
I don't think we ought
to end this week's show
with a joke.

69
00:03:28,779 --> 00:03:30,781
I'd like Alan to
come out and say...

70
00:03:30,825 --> 00:03:32,479
Something with meaning.

71
00:03:32,522 --> 00:03:33,915
Yeah? What kind of meaning?

72
00:03:33,959 --> 00:03:35,264
Well, I wrote down a quote

73
00:03:35,308 --> 00:03:36,787
from Ralph Waldo Emerson.

74
00:03:36,831 --> 00:03:38,354
What show does he write for?

75
00:03:40,835 --> 00:03:44,404
"He who sows courtesy
reaps friendship.

76
00:03:44,447 --> 00:03:47,798
He who plants kindness
gathers love."

77
00:03:47,842 --> 00:03:49,583
Hey, that's funny!

78
00:03:49,626 --> 00:03:51,977
Funny!
Hey, that's beautiful!

79
00:03:52,020 --> 00:03:53,543
That's good.

80
00:03:53,587 --> 00:03:56,416
Buddy, I don't need
your sarcasm.

81
00:03:56,459 --> 00:03:58,984
There's no sarcasm.
Wait a minute,
this is beautiful.

82
00:03:59,027 --> 00:04:00,594
He reads this
philosophical stuff,

83
00:04:00,637 --> 00:04:03,727
and then, zoink! We drop
a bag of water on him.

84
00:04:03,771 --> 00:04:06,339
People would howl,
they'd scream. Beautiful.

85
00:04:06,382 --> 00:04:08,036
I like it,
I like it.

86
00:04:08,080 --> 00:04:10,125
Now, wait a minute!

87
00:04:10,169 --> 00:04:12,127
That won't stop me.
I'll type it
on the ribbon.

88
00:04:12,171 --> 00:04:14,390
Will you knock it off?

89
00:04:14,434 --> 00:04:17,176
Will you tell me
what is the matter
with ending the show

90
00:04:17,219 --> 00:04:19,004
with an epigram
or an aphorism?

91
00:04:19,047 --> 00:04:21,876
Who-pherism?Uhh.

92
00:04:21,920 --> 00:04:23,356
All right, so maybe
I didn't go to college,

93
00:04:23,399 --> 00:04:25,140
like somebody else
in this room.

94
00:04:25,184 --> 00:04:26,968
Here it comes--
the anti-egghead bit.

95
00:04:27,012 --> 00:04:29,884
All I know is, I can rely
on my 25 years--

96
00:04:29,928 --> 00:04:31,233
25 years
in show business.

97
00:04:31,277 --> 00:04:32,843
All right, fellas,
break it up.

98
00:04:32,887 --> 00:04:34,367
Will you break
it up, please?

99
00:04:34,410 --> 00:04:36,238
I got a date
with an unmarried
accountant

100
00:04:36,282 --> 00:04:38,632
and I want to
get there before
he gets married.

101
00:04:40,373 --> 00:04:42,679
And besides, uh,
let's not forget

102
00:04:42,723 --> 00:04:45,465
that Melvin Cooley
is the producer
of this show.

103
00:04:45,508 --> 00:04:48,033
I think you two
are overstepping
yourselves.

104
00:04:48,076 --> 00:04:50,992
What you're trying
to determine is
policy, right?

105
00:04:51,036 --> 00:04:53,168
And I think that's
the producer's
domain.

106
00:04:53,212 --> 00:04:57,216
After all, he is
the guiding genius
of this show.

107
00:04:57,259 --> 00:04:59,479
And Mr. Cooley
is paid to produce
the show because...

108
00:04:59,522 --> 00:05:02,177
Because he's the star's
brother-in-law.

109
00:05:05,224 --> 00:05:08,618
All right,
how long you been
spying on us, Curly?

110
00:05:10,316 --> 00:05:12,231
Rob, as the producer
of this show,

111
00:05:12,274 --> 00:05:15,016
once more I must
insist that you
instruct your staff

112
00:05:15,060 --> 00:05:16,931
to show me
a little respect.

113
00:05:16,975 --> 00:05:19,499
We're showing you
as little respect
as possible.

114
00:05:19,542 --> 00:05:20,979
That's just what I mean.

115
00:05:23,068 --> 00:05:24,634
What can we
do for you, Mel?

116
00:05:24,678 --> 00:05:26,680
I came here
to invite you
to a party.

117
00:05:26,723 --> 00:05:28,421
Hey, a party!
When, when, when?
When is the party?

118
00:05:28,464 --> 00:05:31,815
Uh, Rob...
The party is tonight
at Alan's.

119
00:05:31,859 --> 00:05:35,471
He's giving a little
dinner for a few of
the network executives.

120
00:05:35,515 --> 00:05:40,259
And you mean the star
wants us to mingle
with them?

121
00:05:40,302 --> 00:05:42,913
Yes, you may bring
your wives, dates
or what have you.

122
00:05:42,957 --> 00:05:44,741
Oh, goody. I'll bring
my what have you.

123
00:05:44,785 --> 00:05:47,048
I beg your pardon?

124
00:05:47,092 --> 00:05:49,268
Well, he's not exactly
a what have you.

125
00:05:49,311 --> 00:05:51,966
He's more of a...
What is it.

126
00:05:52,010 --> 00:05:54,882
What about him?

127
00:05:54,925 --> 00:05:56,840
Him will be there
with bells on.

128
00:05:56,884 --> 00:05:59,147
If it's cold,
I'll wear
something warmer.

129
00:06:00,670 --> 00:06:02,194
Hey, honey.

130
00:06:04,457 --> 00:06:06,241
How's your white
satin evening gown?

131
00:06:06,285 --> 00:06:09,723
Fine. How's your red
flannel bathrobe?

132
00:06:09,766 --> 00:06:11,072
What kind of
a greeting is that?

133
00:06:11,116 --> 00:06:12,682
We have been invited

134
00:06:12,726 --> 00:06:14,075
to Alan Brady's
penthouse apartment

135
00:06:14,119 --> 00:06:16,164
to mingle
with rich people.

136
00:06:16,208 --> 00:06:17,644
When?Tonight.

137
00:06:17,687 --> 00:06:19,341
Do whatever it is
you do with your face,

138
00:06:19,385 --> 00:06:20,995
and I'll go see if
I've got a clean shirt.

139
00:06:21,039 --> 00:06:23,998
Honey,
we can't go tonight.Why not?

140
00:06:24,042 --> 00:06:25,521
Ritchie isn't
feeling well.

141
00:06:25,565 --> 00:06:27,088
What's the matter
with him?

142
00:06:27,132 --> 00:06:28,959
Nothing yet.
But he was playing
with Ellen,

143
00:06:29,003 --> 00:06:30,091
and she suddenly came down
with a temperature.

144
00:06:30,135 --> 00:06:31,919
Did Dr. Miller see him?

145
00:06:31,962 --> 00:06:33,660
Yeah, he says we'd
better keep an eye on him.

146
00:06:33,703 --> 00:06:35,314
Then he's not
really sick?

147
00:06:35,357 --> 00:06:37,577
Well, if you mean,
has he collapsed, no.

148
00:06:37,620 --> 00:06:39,274
Well, is he in pain?

149
00:06:39,318 --> 00:06:40,493
Well, no.

150
00:06:40,536 --> 00:06:42,016
Then how do you
know he's sick?

151
00:06:42,060 --> 00:06:44,105
There are symptoms.

152
00:06:44,149 --> 00:06:46,325
What symptoms?Well...

153
00:06:46,368 --> 00:06:49,589
Come on,
I'm the boy's father.

154
00:06:49,632 --> 00:06:51,895
He turned down
his cupcake.

155
00:06:54,724 --> 00:06:57,814
He turned down
his cupcake?!

156
00:06:57,858 --> 00:07:00,469
And you didn't
call an ambulance?

157
00:07:00,513 --> 00:07:03,516
Aw, honey, come on.

158
00:07:03,559 --> 00:07:06,258
If that child won't eat
a chocolate cupcake,

159
00:07:06,301 --> 00:07:08,173
he's sick.

160
00:07:10,523 --> 00:07:12,612
What are you gonna do?

161
00:07:12,655 --> 00:07:14,396
Maybe he's just
sick of chocolate.

162
00:07:14,440 --> 00:07:16,442
I'm gonna try
a vanilla cupcake.

163
00:07:18,357 --> 00:07:21,229
Come here, son.
Daddy wants to
have a look at you.

164
00:07:21,273 --> 00:07:23,623
Dr. Miller had a look at me,
and he's a doctor,

165
00:07:23,666 --> 00:07:25,538
and he says
I'm gonna be very sick

166
00:07:25,581 --> 00:07:27,496
and not go to school
tomorrow.

167
00:07:27,540 --> 00:07:29,324
Mm-hmm. Ritchie...

168
00:07:29,368 --> 00:07:33,154
How would you like
a nice cupcake?

169
00:07:33,198 --> 00:07:34,851
Uh-uh.

170
00:07:34,895 --> 00:07:38,507
This is a nice
vanilla cupcake.

171
00:07:38,551 --> 00:07:39,943
Vanilla?

172
00:07:39,987 --> 00:07:41,771
Yeah, with
vanilla icing.

173
00:07:41,815 --> 00:07:45,079
Vanilla icing?
I like chocolate.

174
00:07:45,123 --> 00:07:47,777
Mm-hmm. All right.

175
00:07:47,821 --> 00:07:50,040
We'll just get you
a chocolate cupcake.

176
00:07:50,084 --> 00:07:51,955
I don't want any.

177
00:07:51,999 --> 00:07:54,393
A chocolate cupcake
with nice crushed nuts
on the top?

178
00:07:54,436 --> 00:07:56,221
Uh-uh.

179
00:07:56,264 --> 00:07:59,093
Satisfied?

180
00:07:59,137 --> 00:08:01,051
Three out of four doctors
will tell you

181
00:08:01,095 --> 00:08:04,229
that the cupcake test
isn't always conclusive.

182
00:08:04,272 --> 00:08:07,101
Besides, his forehead
feels fine.

183
00:08:07,145 --> 00:08:08,842
Maybe my forehead
might feel fine,

184
00:08:08,885 --> 00:08:10,539
but all the rest
of me is sick.

185
00:08:10,583 --> 00:08:12,237
He looks
all right to me.

186
00:08:12,280 --> 00:08:14,369
Rob, we'll discuss it
somewhere else.

187
00:08:14,413 --> 00:08:16,458
Rich, you lie down
and get some rest now.

188
00:08:16,502 --> 00:08:18,634
Okay.

189
00:08:18,678 --> 00:08:21,768
I'm gonna rest, Daddy,
so I won't get sick and die!

190
00:08:21,811 --> 00:08:23,161
Fine.

191
00:08:25,859 --> 00:08:27,252
It proves nothing.

192
00:08:27,295 --> 00:08:29,428
I don't want to eat it,
and I'm not sick.

193
00:08:29,471 --> 00:08:31,256
The boy looks
fine to me.

194
00:08:31,299 --> 00:08:32,605
All he needs is
a good night's sleep.

195
00:08:32,648 --> 00:08:34,041
He'll get up
in the morning

196
00:08:34,084 --> 00:08:35,390
and stuff down
enough cupcakes

197
00:08:35,434 --> 00:08:36,478
to make even you
happy.

198
00:08:36,522 --> 00:08:37,871
Get your clothes
together,

199
00:08:37,914 --> 00:08:39,873
and I'll take
a quick bath.

200
00:08:39,916 --> 00:08:41,570
What are you doing?

201
00:08:41,614 --> 00:08:43,398
I'm gonna fix
some liver for dinner.

202
00:08:43,442 --> 00:08:45,487
Hang on a second. We'll
have dinner at Alan's.

203
00:08:45,531 --> 00:08:47,489
Rob, Dr. Miller
said that Ritchie

204
00:08:47,533 --> 00:08:50,100
should be watched
for 24 hours.

205
00:08:50,144 --> 00:08:53,016
Honey, when a doctor
says watch him,

206
00:08:53,060 --> 00:08:54,714
he doesn't mean
you have to stand
over his bed

207
00:08:54,757 --> 00:08:56,237
and stare at him.

208
00:08:56,281 --> 00:08:59,066
We can watch him
by phone.

209
00:08:59,109 --> 00:09:00,676
Oh, and if anything
happened,

210
00:09:00,720 --> 00:09:03,026
we could be home
in 30 minutes.

211
00:09:03,070 --> 00:09:05,072
It takes 53 minutes
to get here from New York,

212
00:09:05,115 --> 00:09:06,682
and you know it.

213
00:09:06,726 --> 00:09:09,294
But Janie will be here.
She's very responsible.

214
00:09:09,337 --> 00:09:11,339
Honey, when a little boy
is sick,

215
00:09:11,383 --> 00:09:13,472
he wants his mother
or father to comfort him,

216
00:09:13,515 --> 00:09:15,256
not a 15-year-old sitter.

217
00:09:15,300 --> 00:09:17,258
15--
15 years old?

218
00:09:17,302 --> 00:09:19,042
You make her sound
like some kind of
an infant.

219
00:09:19,086 --> 00:09:20,740
You know what
you have to realize?

220
00:09:20,783 --> 00:09:23,264
15 today isn't like
when you were 15.

221
00:09:23,308 --> 00:09:24,657
If you were
15 years old today,

222
00:09:24,700 --> 00:09:26,311
you'd have to be
at least 23.

223
00:09:28,400 --> 00:09:29,488
Forget it.

224
00:09:32,099 --> 00:09:35,450
Rob, why is going
to this party
so important to you?

225
00:09:35,494 --> 00:09:37,713
Well, Buddy and Sally
will be there.

226
00:09:37,757 --> 00:09:40,499
Oh, come on, you see them
eight hours every day.

227
00:09:40,542 --> 00:09:43,502
The network big-shots
and the sponsors will
also be there.

228
00:09:43,545 --> 00:09:46,331
I am
the head writer.

229
00:09:46,374 --> 00:09:48,202
Well, Alan wants us
to be there--

230
00:09:48,246 --> 00:09:50,509
Yeah! So he can ask you
to entertain.

231
00:09:50,552 --> 00:09:53,468
That's the only reason
he ever invites the writers,
and you know it.

232
00:09:53,512 --> 00:09:55,078
That is not so.

233
00:09:55,122 --> 00:09:56,558
He wants us to be there

234
00:09:56,602 --> 00:09:58,734
because we're an important
part of that show.

235
00:09:58,778 --> 00:10:01,346
You make us sound like
court jesters or something.

236
00:10:01,389 --> 00:10:04,523
I don't entertain at parties
unless I want to.

237
00:10:04,566 --> 00:10:07,439
All right. Okie-dokie.

238
00:10:07,482 --> 00:10:10,355
If going to
this dinner party is
so important to you,

239
00:10:10,398 --> 00:10:11,443
then...

240
00:10:18,363 --> 00:10:20,234
What are you doing?

241
00:10:20,278 --> 00:10:22,018
I know you.
Once this liver's cooked,

242
00:10:22,062 --> 00:10:23,498
you'll never go.

243
00:10:23,542 --> 00:10:25,370
I won't change my mind.

244
00:10:25,413 --> 00:10:27,981
So you might as well
put it back in the pan.

245
00:10:28,024 --> 00:10:30,026
Oh, let's talk it over
a little longer.

246
00:10:30,070 --> 00:10:32,942
Robert, will you please
put my liver back?

247
00:10:35,162 --> 00:10:37,425
Aw, honey, how often
does my boss

248
00:10:37,469 --> 00:10:39,166
ask us over
to his house?

249
00:10:39,209 --> 00:10:41,342
How often
is one called upon

250
00:10:41,386 --> 00:10:42,996
to be
a responsible parent?

251
00:10:49,568 --> 00:10:51,874
The president of
the network will be there.

252
00:10:54,007 --> 00:10:56,531
Well, then I think
you should go.

253
00:10:56,575 --> 00:10:58,141
I mean it, honey.

254
00:10:58,185 --> 00:11:00,448
There's no sense
both our staying home.

255
00:11:00,492 --> 00:11:02,537
After all, you have
a responsibility
to your work,

256
00:11:02,581 --> 00:11:04,757
and I fully
understand that.

257
00:11:05,888 --> 00:11:07,412
You do?

258
00:11:07,455 --> 00:11:08,804
Sure I do.

259
00:11:08,848 --> 00:11:11,416
You don't mind
if I go alone?

260
00:11:11,459 --> 00:11:12,895
Not at all, darling.

261
00:11:17,465 --> 00:11:18,858
Well...

262
00:11:20,425 --> 00:11:22,470
It's just that I couldn't
go to a party

263
00:11:22,514 --> 00:11:25,255
knowing my son was on
the verge of being sick.

264
00:11:27,562 --> 00:11:30,739
I couldn't enjoy myself.

265
00:11:30,783 --> 00:11:33,438
All right, all right,
you win.

266
00:11:33,481 --> 00:11:36,658
We'll spend a quiet
evening at home,
frying liver.

267
00:11:36,702 --> 00:11:38,443
You don't have to stay.

268
00:11:38,486 --> 00:11:40,445
I'm not going.

269
00:11:40,488 --> 00:11:42,795
I'm as good a mother
as you are.

270
00:11:47,467 --> 00:11:49,600
Aw, look. I wouldn't
object to staying home

271
00:11:49,644 --> 00:11:51,602
if the boy
was really sick.

272
00:11:51,646 --> 00:11:53,517
He is.
He has a fever.

273
00:11:53,561 --> 00:11:55,954
1/10 of a degree!

274
00:11:55,998 --> 00:11:57,173
Well, it's not normal.

275
00:11:57,216 --> 00:11:59,523
It's normal enough.

276
00:11:59,567 --> 00:12:03,048
If he was any more
normal than that,
he'd be abnormal.

277
00:12:03,092 --> 00:12:06,835
Oh, honey, come here.

278
00:12:06,878 --> 00:12:09,533
Why do you want to be
such a martyr?

279
00:12:09,577 --> 00:12:12,014
Not a martyr, darling.
A mother.

280
00:12:12,057 --> 00:12:14,059
Same thing.

281
00:12:14,103 --> 00:12:16,627
Oh, look, honey,
I know how you feel.

282
00:12:16,671 --> 00:12:18,977
I think you're
a great mother.

283
00:12:19,021 --> 00:12:21,806
But there's such
a thing as being
too great a mother.

284
00:12:21,850 --> 00:12:25,114
You're being
over-solicitous
and overprotective.

285
00:12:25,157 --> 00:12:26,811
It could be bad
for a kid.

286
00:12:26,855 --> 00:12:28,770
Oh, Rob--Listen to me, honey.

287
00:12:28,813 --> 00:12:30,859
You think about it.

288
00:12:30,902 --> 00:12:32,817
I want you to go
to that party with me

289
00:12:32,861 --> 00:12:35,080
because I love you.
I may be crazy,

290
00:12:35,124 --> 00:12:37,692
but I think you're
the best-looking
gal I know.

291
00:12:37,735 --> 00:12:39,694
I want
to show you off.

292
00:12:39,737 --> 00:12:41,696
How about it, Laurie?

293
00:12:41,739 --> 00:12:43,915
Will you give
me that pleasure?

294
00:12:45,917 --> 00:12:47,658
No.

295
00:12:49,051 --> 00:12:50,487
No?

296
00:12:50,530 --> 00:12:52,358
Oh, Rob, I'm flattered

297
00:12:52,402 --> 00:12:53,882
that you want
to show me off,

298
00:12:53,925 --> 00:12:55,840
but I can't go.

299
00:12:55,884 --> 00:12:57,146
Now, just listen
for a minute,

300
00:12:57,189 --> 00:12:58,756
and then you
think about it.

301
00:12:58,800 --> 00:13:00,889
Darling, I'm a woman,
and--

302
00:13:00,932 --> 00:13:02,455
So I've noticed.

303
00:13:02,499 --> 00:13:05,154
What I mean is,
if I leave the house tonight

304
00:13:05,197 --> 00:13:08,113
feeling the way I do,
I just know something's
gonna happen.

305
00:13:08,157 --> 00:13:10,115
It always does
when I feel this way.

306
00:13:10,159 --> 00:13:11,900
Call it
women's intuition--

307
00:13:11,943 --> 00:13:13,684
You mean superstition.

308
00:13:13,728 --> 00:13:16,513
No, it's not superstition.
It's scientific.

309
00:13:16,556 --> 00:13:18,733
Sure.You wash the car,
it rains, right?

310
00:13:18,776 --> 00:13:20,909
Light a cigarette,
the bus arrives.

311
00:13:20,952 --> 00:13:22,911
Leave the house when
you know you shouldn't,

312
00:13:22,954 --> 00:13:24,739
and something's bound
to happen.

313
00:13:24,782 --> 00:13:27,872
Honey, nothing's
gonna happen.

314
00:13:27,916 --> 00:13:30,962
Look, you come with me.
You'll see.

315
00:13:31,006 --> 00:13:33,704
And I tell you
what I'll do for you
if you come with me.

316
00:13:33,748 --> 00:13:36,925
I'll go to
two decorator's shows

317
00:13:36,968 --> 00:13:39,405
and three
P.T.A. meetings.

318
00:13:42,191 --> 00:13:43,888
Hmm?

319
00:13:43,932 --> 00:13:45,977
You'll see, you'll
enjoy yourself.

320
00:13:46,021 --> 00:13:47,718
Five P.T.A. meetings?

321
00:13:47,762 --> 00:13:49,764
You'll go?

322
00:13:49,807 --> 00:13:52,114
Well, all right.

323
00:13:52,157 --> 00:13:54,682
But I refuse
to enjoy myself.

324
00:13:57,902 --> 00:13:59,948
Now, here's the number.
You be sure to call

325
00:13:59,991 --> 00:14:02,124
if he should get up
and complain about anything.

326
00:14:02,167 --> 00:14:04,343
And look, here's
Dr. Miller's number.

327
00:14:04,387 --> 00:14:06,911
If he seems very sick,
you can call Dr. Miller
after you call us.

328
00:14:06,955 --> 00:14:09,000
First call us, though,
so we can start out
right away.

329
00:14:09,044 --> 00:14:11,002
Honey,
it's getting late.Just a minute.

330
00:14:11,046 --> 00:14:13,178
Janie, do you understand
what you're to do?

331
00:14:13,222 --> 00:14:15,746
Yes, I'm to call
this number if
Ritchie gets up sick,

332
00:14:15,790 --> 00:14:18,575
and then I'm to call
this number after
I call this number.

333
00:14:18,618 --> 00:14:20,751
That's right,
but be sure to call.
And if the line's busy,

334
00:14:20,795 --> 00:14:22,927
you keep right on trying--Come on, honey.

335
00:14:22,971 --> 00:14:25,582
Oh, and, Janie,
if anything
unusual happens,

336
00:14:25,625 --> 00:14:27,018
just call your mother.
She lives next door.

337
00:14:27,062 --> 00:14:29,760
She knows where
her mother lives.

338
00:14:29,804 --> 00:14:31,849
You see why I shouldn't
be going to this party.

339
00:14:31,893 --> 00:14:34,417
The drive will
clear your head.
Now, come on.

340
00:14:34,460 --> 00:14:36,854
Oh, Rob, I had to get
dressed so fast.

341
00:14:36,898 --> 00:14:38,769
Oh, Janie, there are
some cupcakes

342
00:14:38,813 --> 00:14:40,597
in the breadbox
next to the refrigerator.

343
00:14:40,640 --> 00:14:42,425
And there's some orange
soda pop there, too.

344
00:14:42,468 --> 00:14:44,949
Washington said
farewell to the troops
in less time.

345
00:14:44,993 --> 00:14:46,821
Come on.

346
00:14:46,864 --> 00:14:48,953
Janie, there's some milk
in the refrigerator.

347
00:14:48,997 --> 00:14:50,781
On the shelf,
there's a bottle that's
already been started.

348
00:14:50,825 --> 00:14:52,957
I thought in case--One more instruction,

349
00:14:53,001 --> 00:14:55,351
I'm gonna pick you up
and carry you
out of here.

350
00:14:55,394 --> 00:14:57,440
I'm ready, dear.Oh, are you sure?

351
00:14:57,483 --> 00:15:00,182
Don't you want to tell
Janie what television
programs to watch?

352
00:15:00,225 --> 00:15:02,662
There's a special
on juvenile delinquency.

353
00:15:02,706 --> 00:15:05,970
I don't know the time
or channel, but there's
a program--

354
00:15:06,014 --> 00:15:07,232
My purse!

355
00:15:09,060 --> 00:15:10,975
Honestly,
what are you--

356
00:15:11,019 --> 00:15:13,195
Don't go into
Ritchie's room!
You may wake him.

357
00:15:13,238 --> 00:15:15,588
Use the newspaper.
It's in the wastepaper
basket.

358
00:15:15,632 --> 00:15:17,721
The party will be over--Pears and apples
in the fruit bowl!

359
00:15:17,765 --> 00:15:19,679
Bottom shelf
of the refrigerator!

360
00:15:19,723 --> 00:15:22,291
Just a minute!
What did you say

361
00:15:22,334 --> 00:15:24,641
was in
the bottom shelf of
the refrigerator?

362
00:15:24,684 --> 00:15:26,512
Who knows?
If it's food, eat it.

363
00:15:26,556 --> 00:15:29,646
If it's a phone number,
call it.

364
00:15:35,521 --> 00:15:37,088
Hey, where are
you guys goin'?

365
00:15:37,132 --> 00:15:39,003
The party's just
starting to swing.

366
00:15:39,047 --> 00:15:40,700
I know it.
But we have a child at home

367
00:15:40,744 --> 00:15:42,050
who's planning
on being sick.

368
00:15:42,093 --> 00:15:43,834
MEL:
Rob, what's this?

369
00:15:43,878 --> 00:15:45,749
You're not leaving,
are you?

370
00:15:45,793 --> 00:15:48,012
Well, it is 11:00,
and we have--

371
00:15:48,056 --> 00:15:50,885
Well, Alan got hung up
on a long-distance phone call.

372
00:15:50,928 --> 00:15:52,712
He hoped that you all
would do a little something

373
00:15:52,756 --> 00:15:54,323
to, uh,
keep the party going.

374
00:15:54,366 --> 00:15:56,542
Oh, like entertaining
a little?

375
00:15:56,586 --> 00:15:58,066
What's wrong with that?

376
00:15:58,109 --> 00:15:59,458
15 minutes, honey?

377
00:15:59,502 --> 00:16:02,461
Command performance
for the boss.

378
00:16:02,505 --> 00:16:04,899
Tell Alan we'll stay.He'll appreciate this.

379
00:16:04,942 --> 00:16:06,857
Come on, Rob,
everybody.

380
00:16:06,901 --> 00:16:09,512
[ OVERLAPPING CHATTER ]

381
00:16:09,555 --> 00:16:11,862
All right, show time,
folks, show time.

382
00:16:11,906 --> 00:16:13,951
We want you all to get
nice and pepped up.

383
00:16:13,995 --> 00:16:16,258
Here's how
we do it. You ready?
Everybody hold hands,

384
00:16:16,301 --> 00:16:19,652
and the guy on the end,
stick his finger in
the light socket.

385
00:16:19,696 --> 00:16:23,874
Okay, George,
the thing we did at
the christmas party.

386
00:16:23,918 --> 00:16:26,659
♪ Good-bye, good-bye,
we're here to say good-bye ♪

387
00:16:26,703 --> 00:16:28,923
♪ We haven't time to say hello,
and so good-bye ♪

388
00:16:28,966 --> 00:16:31,926
♪ Good-bye, good-bye, good-bye,
auf wiedersehen, good-bye ♪

389
00:16:31,969 --> 00:16:36,539
♪ Arrivederci, au revoir,
and so good-bye ♪

390
00:16:40,935 --> 00:16:42,719
Folks, that concludes
our act.

391
00:16:42,762 --> 00:16:44,373
From now on, everything
we do is an encore.

392
00:16:44,416 --> 00:16:46,070
You take care
of the encore.

393
00:16:46,114 --> 00:16:48,072
All right,
for our first encore,

394
00:16:48,116 --> 00:16:50,553
may I present to you
our human joke machine?

395
00:16:50,596 --> 00:16:53,773
This man can make
a joke out of any word
in the English language.

396
00:16:53,817 --> 00:16:55,732
May we have a word?Any word.

397
00:16:55,775 --> 00:16:57,299
Horse.

398
00:16:57,342 --> 00:16:59,127
I have a lady.
She has a word--horse.

399
00:16:59,170 --> 00:17:01,390
A joke about a horse.
Horse, let me see.

400
00:17:01,433 --> 00:17:02,913
If everybody
owned a horse,

401
00:17:02,957 --> 00:17:04,872
the country would be
more stabilized.

402
00:17:07,091 --> 00:17:08,963
SALLY: Let's have
another word.

403
00:17:09,006 --> 00:17:10,921
I got another word
over here.

404
00:17:10,965 --> 00:17:12,923
Milk bath.Milk bath.

405
00:17:12,967 --> 00:17:16,144
Milk bath. Say,
there's a good one.
Anybody else got one?

406
00:17:16,187 --> 00:17:17,972
Milk bath.

407
00:17:18,015 --> 00:17:19,930
Hmm. All right.

408
00:17:19,974 --> 00:17:22,498
A friend of mine
was very seriously hurt
taking a milk bath.

409
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:24,021
Ask me why.Why?

410
00:17:24,065 --> 00:17:25,109
Funny you should ask.

411
00:17:27,633 --> 00:17:29,809
What happened was,
the cow slipped on
a piece of soap

412
00:17:29,853 --> 00:17:31,289
and fell on his head.

413
00:17:31,333 --> 00:17:33,596
Hey, I can keep
doing this all night.

414
00:17:33,639 --> 00:17:35,337
Oh, no, you don't!

415
00:17:35,380 --> 00:17:38,383
[ OVERLAPPING CHATTER ]

416
00:17:38,427 --> 00:17:40,429
Give him a hand.

417
00:17:43,084 --> 00:17:46,217
Now, ladies and gentlemen,
our second encore
of the evening.

418
00:17:46,261 --> 00:17:48,002
Let's welcome
Miss Sally Rogers.

419
00:17:48,045 --> 00:17:49,699
Give the little lady
a hand.

420
00:17:51,788 --> 00:17:54,443
♪ I used to dream once,
long ago ♪

421
00:17:54,486 --> 00:17:57,968
♪ That someday I'd have
a lot of dough ♪

422
00:17:58,012 --> 00:18:01,015
♪ And a sable or a mink

423
00:18:01,058 --> 00:18:04,975
♪ I'd have settled
for rabbit, I think ♪

424
00:18:05,019 --> 00:18:07,760
♪ But now those dreams
are gone ♪

425
00:18:07,804 --> 00:18:11,199
♪ With time,
they've drifted away ♪

426
00:18:11,242 --> 00:18:15,203
♪ If I only had one wish
to make ♪

427
00:18:15,246 --> 00:18:20,469
♪ This is what I am wishing
today ♪

428
00:18:20,512 --> 00:18:22,993
♪ I

429
00:18:23,037 --> 00:18:26,040
[ GRAVELLY VOICE ]
♪ Wish I could sing
like durante ♪

430
00:18:26,083 --> 00:18:28,390
♪ Jimmy's got the voice
I love ♪

431
00:18:28,433 --> 00:18:32,046
♪ I wish I could hit
those high notes ♪

432
00:18:32,089 --> 00:18:34,439
♪ That's the one
that I'm speakin' of ♪

433
00:18:34,483 --> 00:18:36,441
♪ I wish I could sing--

434
00:18:36,485 --> 00:18:38,226
That's a little too loud,
fellas, hold it.

435
00:18:38,269 --> 00:18:40,358
♪ I wish--
Hold it, will you keep it down?

436
00:18:40,402 --> 00:18:42,099
It's a little too loud.

437
00:18:42,143 --> 00:18:44,101
♪ I wish--

438
00:18:44,145 --> 00:18:46,190
[ WHISTLES LOUDLY ]

439
00:18:50,194 --> 00:18:52,022
[ SIGHS ]

440
00:18:55,112 --> 00:18:59,116
I walks into
a very classy restaurant.

441
00:18:59,160 --> 00:19:03,468
And I orders
pheasant under glass.

442
00:19:03,512 --> 00:19:05,644
I had eaten most of the glass,

443
00:19:05,688 --> 00:19:09,039
and was just about gettin' down
to the pheasant

444
00:19:09,083 --> 00:19:11,128
when I noticed a sign
that says,

445
00:19:11,172 --> 00:19:12,651
"Watch your hat and coat."

446
00:19:12,695 --> 00:19:14,436
Well, I watched
my hat and coat,

447
00:19:14,479 --> 00:19:17,439
and what happened?
Somebody stole my pheasant.

448
00:19:20,007 --> 00:19:24,054
♪ I wish I could sing
like durante ♪

449
00:19:24,098 --> 00:19:26,230
♪ Oh, what a hit I'd be

450
00:19:26,274 --> 00:19:29,451
♪ I'd put on
a little this-a-way ♪

451
00:19:29,494 --> 00:19:32,497
♪ And I'd take off
a little that-a-way ♪

452
00:19:32,541 --> 00:19:35,631
♪ I wish I could sing
like durante ♪

453
00:19:35,674 --> 00:19:38,460
♪ But it comes out
plain old me, that's me ♪

454
00:19:38,503 --> 00:19:40,636
♪ But it comes out

455
00:19:40,679 --> 00:19:43,900
♪ Plain old me

456
00:19:49,340 --> 00:19:51,951
[ WHISTLES ]

457
00:19:51,995 --> 00:19:53,562
Sally Rogers!

458
00:19:56,130 --> 00:19:58,349
Rob, I got 'em all
warmed up for you.
Go ahead.

459
00:19:58,393 --> 00:20:01,222
I'll cool 'em down.
All right, ladies
and gentlemen,

460
00:20:01,265 --> 00:20:03,354
I'd like to give you for you,
for our third encore
of the evening,

461
00:20:03,398 --> 00:20:06,009
my impression of
my wife's Uncle Henry.

462
00:20:06,053 --> 00:20:08,316
Hi, sweetie.

463
00:20:08,359 --> 00:20:11,101
My wife's Uncle Henry
is the timidest,

464
00:20:11,145 --> 00:20:13,016
sweetest guy
in the whole world,

465
00:20:13,060 --> 00:20:14,974
except when he goes
to the annual office party.

466
00:20:15,018 --> 00:20:17,673
He has one short beer.
He becomes fearless,

467
00:20:17,716 --> 00:20:20,023
the bravest guy in the world,
afraid of nothing...

468
00:20:20,067 --> 00:20:22,330
Except maybe his wife.

469
00:20:22,373 --> 00:20:24,549
I'd like to give you
my impression of my wife's
uncle henry

470
00:20:24,593 --> 00:20:26,334
coming home from
the annual office party.

471
00:20:26,377 --> 00:20:28,249
And who should he meet
but his wife.

472
00:20:28,292 --> 00:20:29,685
Sally, you know the bit.I'll do it.

473
00:20:29,728 --> 00:20:31,121
I need the chair and the hat.

474
00:20:31,165 --> 00:20:34,298
[ OVERLAPPING CHATTING ]

475
00:20:34,342 --> 00:20:37,127
Oh, your husband's
awfully cute.

476
00:20:37,171 --> 00:20:39,260
He must be a lot of fun
to live with.

477
00:20:39,303 --> 00:20:41,610
I laugh all day long.

478
00:20:43,786 --> 00:20:46,571
Why aren't you like that?
You never make me laugh.

479
00:20:50,227 --> 00:20:51,968
I didn't know you wanted to.

480
00:20:54,231 --> 00:20:56,929
All right, my impression
of my wife's Uncle Henry

481
00:20:56,973 --> 00:20:59,193
coming home after
the annual christmas party.

482
00:21:01,369 --> 00:21:04,154
[ SLURRING ]
♪ Oh, Genevieve,
sweet Genevieve ♪

483
00:21:04,198 --> 00:21:06,330
Whoo!

484
00:21:06,374 --> 00:21:08,245
Anybody home?

485
00:21:10,291 --> 00:21:12,771
Whoo-ooh!

486
00:21:15,905 --> 00:21:17,428
Is that you, dear?

487
00:21:17,472 --> 00:21:19,735
[ NORMAL VOICE ]
Oh, hello, sweetheart.

488
00:21:19,778 --> 00:21:22,259
Why, it's awful late,
dear. What happened?

489
00:21:22,303 --> 00:21:24,348
I had a meeting
at the office, and I
just couldn't get away.

490
00:21:24,392 --> 00:21:26,176
Aww, well, how about
some coffee?

491
00:21:26,220 --> 00:21:28,135
Oh, I'd love
some coffee.I'll get you some.

492
00:21:31,050 --> 00:21:32,574
Whoo!

493
00:21:37,405 --> 00:21:38,884
SALLY: Darling?

494
00:21:38,928 --> 00:21:40,582
Thank you, honey.

495
00:21:40,625 --> 00:21:43,411
Sweetheart, was there
any mail today?

496
00:21:43,454 --> 00:21:46,153
Oh, yes, some very
important letters.
I'll get them for you.

497
00:21:48,329 --> 00:21:50,679
Dear,
there's the mail.

498
00:21:50,722 --> 00:21:53,203
Oh, thank you,
sweetheart. Aha.

499
00:21:53,247 --> 00:21:55,423
Are you hungry?
Would you like
a sandwich?

500
00:21:55,466 --> 00:21:58,165
I would love
a sandwich.All right.

501
00:22:00,079 --> 00:22:01,690
Whoo!

502
00:22:04,736 --> 00:22:06,695
Sweetheart?

503
00:22:09,088 --> 00:22:10,873
How would you like
a ham on rye?

504
00:22:10,916 --> 00:22:12,483
Oh, I'd love
a ham on rye.Fine.

505
00:22:12,527 --> 00:22:15,399
With mustard?Mustard!

506
00:22:15,443 --> 00:22:17,314
With pickle?Pickle!

507
00:22:20,448 --> 00:22:23,364
Honey, you don't
look right.

508
00:22:23,407 --> 00:22:25,235
You know what
I think you need?

509
00:22:25,279 --> 00:22:27,411
I think you need
a nice, stiff drink.

510
00:22:27,455 --> 00:22:29,718
[ DRUM ROLL, CYMBALS CRASH ]

511
00:22:32,199 --> 00:22:33,852
♪ Hello, hello, hello

512
00:22:33,896 --> 00:22:35,593
♪ We're here to say hello

513
00:22:35,637 --> 00:22:40,424
[ INDISTINCT LYRICS ]

514
00:22:49,477 --> 00:22:52,262
Well,
everything's quiet.

515
00:22:52,306 --> 00:22:53,872
I suppose you
expected you walk

516
00:22:53,916 --> 00:22:55,439
into some kind
of a disaster
or something.

517
00:22:55,483 --> 00:22:57,093
Everything's
just as we left it.

518
00:22:57,136 --> 00:22:59,443
There's Janie's
schoolbooks and radio,

519
00:22:59,487 --> 00:23:01,184
the doctor's bag.[ GASPS ]

520
00:23:01,228 --> 00:23:02,446
Doctor's bag!

521
00:23:02,490 --> 00:23:04,666
I knew it! I just--

522
00:23:04,709 --> 00:23:06,537
Sam, Dotty, what are
you doing here?

523
00:23:06,581 --> 00:23:09,453
We're glad you're back.Now, don't get excited.

524
00:23:09,497 --> 00:23:12,456
Where's Ritchie?In his room. He's
just fallen asleep.

525
00:23:12,500 --> 00:23:13,849
Little fella's
had a rough night.

526
00:23:13,892 --> 00:23:15,720
Oh, and I had
to do an encore.

527
00:23:15,764 --> 00:23:17,853
Oh, thank goodness
for neighbors
like you.

528
00:23:17,896 --> 00:23:19,550
Doc, how's Ritchie?Sturdy little fella.

529
00:23:19,594 --> 00:23:21,509
Most children
would've upset
themselves terribly

530
00:23:21,552 --> 00:23:22,988
with all that blood.

531
00:23:23,032 --> 00:23:24,729
He's a sturdy--blood?!

532
00:23:24,773 --> 00:23:26,775
Janie!

533
00:23:26,818 --> 00:23:28,342
How's Ritchie?Ritchie?

534
00:23:28,385 --> 00:23:30,169
Yeah, with all
the blood.

535
00:23:30,213 --> 00:23:31,432
That was my blood.

536
00:23:31,475 --> 00:23:33,347
I hit my head
on the freezer door.

537
00:23:33,390 --> 00:23:36,524
You hit your head
on the freezer door?Yes.

538
00:23:36,567 --> 00:23:38,917
Oh, that's wonderful.

539
00:23:38,961 --> 00:23:40,223
I mean, I'm sorry.

540
00:23:40,267 --> 00:23:42,225
Come on, Janie, Dotty.

541
00:23:42,269 --> 00:23:44,706
Let's go home.
We've had enough
excitement for tonight.

542
00:23:44,749 --> 00:23:46,534
Is there anything we have
to do for her, doctor?

543
00:23:46,577 --> 00:23:48,318
No, her hair will
grow over that scar.

544
00:23:48,362 --> 00:23:50,320
She'll be as pretty
as ever in a couple
of weeks.

545
00:23:50,364 --> 00:23:51,887
Oh, Sam, I can't
thank you enough.

546
00:23:51,930 --> 00:23:54,585
Thanks, Dotty.
Doc, thank you.

547
00:23:54,629 --> 00:23:56,413
How's Ritchie?

548
00:23:56,457 --> 00:23:58,546
Oh, he's fine.
Poor Janie, though.

549
00:23:58,589 --> 00:24:01,592
You and your
woman's intuition.

550
00:24:01,636 --> 00:24:03,377
Yeah. How about that?

551
00:24:03,420 --> 00:24:06,554
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.

552
00:24:06,597 --> 00:24:09,208
I'm getting to be
such a nag.

553
00:24:09,252 --> 00:24:13,169
Aww, sweetheart,
you're not a nag.

554
00:24:13,212 --> 00:24:16,825
You're a worrier.
I'm glad you are, too.

555
00:24:16,868 --> 00:24:19,480
I don't worry enough.

556
00:24:19,523 --> 00:24:21,525
You worry too much.

557
00:24:21,569 --> 00:24:23,440
Together, we worry
just about right.

558
00:24:25,834 --> 00:24:28,271
You know, you're
pretty amazing.

559
00:24:28,315 --> 00:24:31,579
You really expected
something to happen here
tonight, didn't you?

560
00:24:31,622 --> 00:24:34,016
I never expected
Janie to hit her head
on the door.

561
00:24:34,059 --> 00:24:36,540
Yeah, but you expected
something.

562
00:24:36,584 --> 00:24:39,282
Yeah.How'd you know?

563
00:24:39,326 --> 00:24:41,545
Darling...

564
00:24:41,589 --> 00:24:43,634
I'm a woman.

565
00:24:48,465 --> 00:24:50,380
Yeah.

566
00:24:52,991 --> 00:24:55,472
♪♪